Getting to the Heart of Bickering

Q: My 6-year-old daughter and 4-year-old son are constantly bickering. How do I get them to be nice to each other and to work things out without driving me crazy? How do you develop a healthy relationship/bond between preschoolers and older siblings?

A: You're not alone. In fact, your kids are what we call "normal"! Bickering and constant arguing between young siblings is a common problem. Fortunately, there are solutions because constant bicker-ing can be a crazymaker. More importantly, you need to help your kids learn the lifelong skill of resolving arguments successfully.

One cause of fighting among kids is a healthy one. Develop- mentally, kids are learning how to define what they need, want and desire. This is an important process because successful adults are people who know their goals and dreams. They're also people who know what to ask for and what to say "no" to and not tolerate. If your kids aren't able to develop this ability, they run the risk of being controlled by others or by their own needs for acceptance. As Jesus taught, "Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes' and your 'No' be 'No' …" Matthew 5:37

There are respectful ways to say what you want and disrespectful ways. Teach your kids by saying, "I know you both want the last fruit rollup. We'll work this out, but I want you to ask using kind words and tones" (the tone is important; insist on that).

Another aspect of bickering is kids often may need more positive, connecting time together. Sometimes two children will argue because that's the only way they feel as though they can connect with each other. It's the old "negative attention is better than no attention" idea. So make sure those good interactive times happen. Intentionally create play times in which they are both happy and having fun. Be sure you're there to help them associate the good things about being with their sibling. Teach them what's going on by saying, "Sally, see how Andrew smiles when you're kind to him? Sharing and being a friend to him is good for him and good for you, too." You're building empathy, concern, compassion and sharing as a part of life.

Be aware you'll also need to nip aggression and provocation in the bud. Most of the time, one kid is the provocateur, and it's not always the older one. Make sure you require this behavior to stop. If warning them doesn't work, then use and maintain consequences. Kids need to know aggressive behavior is not OK and will never be OK. You're now protecting your future son-in-law or daughter-in-law and your kid's future co-workers. For example, follow up with this: "Parker, I told you if you're unkind to Jenny, you'll be in a timeout. I know you said you're sorry, but that's the consequence. Maybe next time you'll think before you're mean to her." Be gentle but firm. This is a life lesson, and our book Boundaries with Kids has more information on this topic.

Sometimes it helps to be the judge between bickering kids. Children often don't have the skills to resolve conflicts. And, with no other options, they'll just escalate emotionally. Instead, tell them if the problem isn't going away, you want them to come to you to decide what's going on. That often helps them see how issues are mediated. It's also a reality check for the aggressive child, because they'll see if the issue goes to Mom, they're likely to have a consequence.

Dr. Townsend and his wife set up the judge system when their boys were preschoolers. But then their kids started using Mom and Dad to mediate every little thing. So they told them, "We want you to learn how to solve conflicts yourselves. So before you come to us, tell the other guy, 'Stop.' If he doesn't stop, say, 'Stop, I'm serious, I'm going to tell.' If that doesn't work, come to us, and we'll work with you." That system worked for a number of years. But as time went on, the boys shortened the warning to its basic elements: "stop-serious-gonna-tell." And it's funny, but those same kids, who are now in high school, said it to one another recently. Some preschool lessons stick around for awhile.

Don't get discouraged with bickering. When you're proactive, you can help your kids cooperate and be more empowered people in the future.